Happy Birthday

It's been almost 10 years. Wow. How can that even be possible?

In May of 2004, my family lost one of the most important people in our lives. My stepmother, Donna, who had raised me since I was 4, lost her battle to cancer. And I remember just about every detail of the final moments of her life. Those moments are not what I want to share though today. Instead, I want to talk about her life and what she meant to me.

The month of May for the last ten years have always been hard. It's not only the anniversary of her passing, but it's Mother's Day and her birthday, which is May 1st. Even though there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of her, May just seems to slap me in the face with memories.

Donna was a person that everyone looked up to. She had a strong presence, even while being quiet. She was given a raw deal in the health department, which is the understatement of the century. She struggled with Lupus since she was 22. Battled countless issues related to the disease time after time, but she was so strong, that you often wouldn't know she was sick. When she was diagnosed with cancer and given a year to live, she was ready to give it her all. She was going to fight and try to kick cancer's ass.

Unfortunately, like everyone knows, cancer is one hell of an opponent.

I miss her so much. I miss the talks we would have daily. I'd curl up on the couch with her with a cup of tea/coffee or if she wasn't feeling well, I'd lay on her bed and discuss what was going on lately. In retrospect, what I would talk about was incredibly unimportant compared to what she was experiencing, but to her, she was just catching up with her daughter.

She was my rock.

Donna was a creative soul. She could create something out of nothing. She painted slates, made Christmas ornaments(for EVERY child she knew) and made broom dolls. Now let me tell you about these broom dolls! Picture little witch like brooms with different styled dolls attached to them. None had a painted face (made out of Styrofoam balls), but they were dressed with raffia paper for every holiday and included hair and hats. My favorite was always the Angel, which were decked out with wings. She would make hundreds of these things. And as one of her little helpers on occasion, they were tough. Unrolling the raffia paper hurt your fingers until they became numb to any feeling. She would show at craft fairs and do extremely well.

Donna had the best smile. One of those smiles that you could recognize anywhere and it would light up a room. And speaking of light, it just seemed to emit from her. It's almost as if she already was chosen to be an Angel, because she radiated warmth and love. She never did have children of her own, so she took raising my brother and I very seriously. She was amazing with children. They brought her such joy. And every child that met her, loved her back. Our house became the house that all our friends wanted to come to. She became an honorary mom to many of my friends. So, when she died, they felt the loss as hard as we did.

One of the hardest things about not having her around is all the moments that I don't have her here for. However, since I've always believed that she was my Guardian Angel, she has been "present" for every single one of them. My wedding day was very emotional. Not having her there to help pick out the dress, the venue, etc was difficult. But, I wanted her to be a part of the whole day. I ordered a lei from Hawaii (where she lived for awhile and loved) and had it placed on the closest chair next to me during the ceremony. It was accompanied by a cardinal statue (we had discussed she would be reincarnated as a cardinal). There were songs dedicated to her and words written in our ceremony about her. But, most importantly, if you believe in spirits, she was there. My husband and I got married in October on a farm. The night before the wedding it was pouring and the grounds were soaking wet. We planned on marrying under a huge tree. It didn't look good for us. But miraculously on the wedding day, the ground was completely dry! On my drive to the wedding, when I started getting that nervous belly feeling, "You've Got a Friend" by Carole King came on the radio and I knew that was Donna trying to calm me down. And then finally, the biggest clue that Donna was at our wedding, the wind nearly blew my veil off when our officiant (my cousin Yvonne, http://yvonnedesousa.com/) mentioned her during the ceremony. We all felt her in that moment.

Donna has been on this journey of our marriage every step of the way. I felt she was there when my son was born. I believe that she even became his Guardian Angel as well. There were moments that he would randomly look over his left shoulder and even reach out for something (I believe it was her hair). He seemed to recognize her picture without having a clue of who she was. That story is going to be a long one when he's ready and old enough to hear it. I also strongly believe she has been there for all of my miscarriages. When we lost our Olivia (my first miscarriage) at 18 weeks, I was petrified about the procedures I had to endure. When I didn't think I could handle the pain, I felt a warmth come over my body. I felt almost pinned down to the table. But I realized it was Donna, just giving me a hug. Telling me that everything was going to be okay. And at that moment, I took a deep breath and could go on.

There will never be enough words to thank her for everything she has done. I am blessed to have had her in my life as a mother and to have her in our lives as an Angel.

About 5 or 6 years ago (can't quite remember), I wrote a song. I was driving on the highway home from work, when a feeling came over me. Words started pouring out of my soul. Don't worry, I kept my eyes on the road, but as soon as I got home, I made sure to write it down. Never formally composed music to it, but that song (which still remains unnamed) has stuck with me.

So, instead of sharing a recipe with you today. I'm sharing a piece of my heart. Please be kind.

P.S. If you were wondering what the image at the top is...it's her bracelet. This is her name in Hawaiian.